| | Jokes ;) | |
|
+2Zurenriri lawliet-ryuuzaki 6 posters | |
Author | Message |
---|
lawliet-ryuuzaki Finder
Number of posts : 80 Age : 33 Location : B€lgIuM Registration date : 2008-05-30
| Subject: Jokes ;) Tue Jun 17, 2008 10:32 am | |
| yo, lets tell here the best jokes u heard/read so far I hope we can laugh a lot | |
| | | lawliet-ryuuzaki Finder
Number of posts : 80 Age : 33 Location : B€lgIuM Registration date : 2008-05-30
| Subject: Re: Jokes ;) Tue Jun 17, 2008 10:34 am | |
| Chinese ppl Caller: "Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?" Operator: "Yes, you can speak to me." Caller: "No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!" Operator: "You are talking to someone! Who is this?" Caller: "I'm Sum Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent." Operator: "I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?" Caller: "Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital." Operator: "Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!" Caller: "You are so rude! Who are you?" Operator: "I'm Saw Lee." Caller: "Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name." | |
| | | Zurenriri Exorcist Order
Number of posts : 270 Age : 32 Location : Lebanon, Oregon, US Registration date : 2008-05-05
| Subject: Re: Jokes ;) Tue Jun 17, 2008 7:33 pm | |
| A little dirty. Don't click the spoiler if you don't think you can handle it. Might as well warn ya - Spoiler:
There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.
"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question
"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.
"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"
"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"
"That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."
Yay! 200th post! :3 | |
| | | maxsteele77 Exorcist Order
Number of posts : 1298 Age : 34 Location : Australia Registration date : 2008-05-18
| Subject: Re: Jokes ;) Tue Jun 17, 2008 7:41 pm | |
| How racy are we allowed to make these jokes, as i no a couple of really funny ones but they are quite racy and i wouldn't want to offend anyone. Would it be okay to post them if i give a waring and put them in spoiler tags? | |
| | | WolfReborn Exorcist Order
Number of posts : 431 Age : 37 Registration date : 2008-04-03
| Subject: Re: Jokes ;) Tue Jun 17, 2008 7:43 pm | |
| LOL nope.....maybe......iono depends if it makes people laugh or cry. | |
| | | maxsteele77 Exorcist Order
Number of posts : 1298 Age : 34 Location : Australia Registration date : 2008-05-18
| Subject: Re: Jokes ;) Tue Jun 17, 2008 8:10 pm | |
| i think they'd make people laugh, but then i can't understand how people can get offended by a joke. I love hearing jokes about stupid aussies and stuff i just laugh, people that get offended by jokes are weird. | |
| | | lawliet-ryuuzaki Finder
Number of posts : 80 Age : 33 Location : B€lgIuM Registration date : 2008-05-30
| Subject: Re: Jokes ;) Tue Jun 17, 2008 8:13 pm | |
| @Zurenriri There were two golfers on the golf course. One of the men pulled out a cigarette, and asked his friend for a light. His friend pulls out a 12 inch Bic lighter. - "Woah, where did you get such a large Bic?" - "Oh, my genie got it for me." - "Your genie? You have a genie? Where is he?" - "He is in my golf bag." - "Can I see him?" So the friend looks in the bag and out comes the genie. The man says to the genie; "I am your master's best friend. Would you grant me just one wish?" The genie says "yes, just one wish". So the man wishes for a million bucks. The genie goes back in the golf bag without saying a word. Pretty soon, the sky starts to get dark. Then it gets even darker. The man looks up and sees a million ducks. He gets real upset, and says "what is the matter with your genie? Is he hard of hearing? I said a million Bucks, not a million Ducks." "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch Bic?" | |
| | | Higure Admin
Number of posts : 1733 Age : 35 Registration date : 2008-03-02
| Subject: Re: Jokes ;) Tue Jun 17, 2008 10:12 pm | |
| lol! that's funny! XD
Um, put up spoiler tags and warnings if it has bad content, sexual content, racist content, etc. just don't post any that most people would think are in bad taste. | |
| | | maxsteele77 Exorcist Order
Number of posts : 1298 Age : 34 Location : Australia Registration date : 2008-05-18
| Subject: Re: Jokes ;) Tue Jun 17, 2008 10:37 pm | |
| You might only get this one if you know anything about Australia (its only a tiny bit racy) - Spoiler:
Three friends - Aboriginal, Jew and Australian, spend each night together drinking beer in an outback pub. One night as they're leaving, a road-train comes through the town and kills all three. The next day, the publican is surprised to see the Australian - who assumed dead - walked through the door. The Australian tells him, "Well, we were all killed, but when we got to the pearly gates, St. Peter said we could come back to earth if we pay him $20." "Well, obviously, you paid up, but what happened to your friends?" "The jew's trying to haggle him down to $10, and the aboriginal is trying to convince him that the government will pay for it."
| |
| | | Higure Admin
Number of posts : 1733 Age : 35 Registration date : 2008-03-02
| Subject: Re: Jokes ;) Wed Jun 18, 2008 12:27 am | |
| lol, okay, that was funny XD to me anyway. | |
| | | lawliet-ryuuzaki Finder
Number of posts : 80 Age : 33 Location : B€lgIuM Registration date : 2008-05-30
| Subject: Re: Jokes ;) Wed Jun 18, 2008 5:20 am | |
| here's a really good one(or at least that's what I think of it ) THE HU George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The Chinaman! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya' asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name. George: That's who's name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East. Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China. George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.) Condi: Rice, here. George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East? | |
| | | maxsteele77 Exorcist Order
Number of posts : 1298 Age : 34 Location : Australia Registration date : 2008-05-18
| Subject: Re: Jokes ;) Wed Jun 18, 2008 6:20 am | |
| DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN? Junior asks his dad,
His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies,
Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!
Well, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button.
Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've Got Male | |
| | | lawliet-ryuuzaki Finder
Number of posts : 80 Age : 33 Location : B€lgIuM Registration date : 2008-05-30
| Subject: Re: Jokes ;) Wed Jun 18, 2008 6:57 am | |
| | |
| | | lawliet-ryuuzaki Finder
Number of posts : 80 Age : 33 Location : B€lgIuM Registration date : 2008-05-30
| Subject: Re: Jokes ;) Wed Jun 18, 2008 7:06 am | |
| HINDU, JEW & BLACK GUY - Spoiler:
A hindu a jew and a black guy are all walking through the country and stop at a farmer's house to see if they could sleep there for the night.
"Well," said the farmer, "All I got fer ya is the barn." The three travellers all agreed that the barn was fine, and the farmer showed them the way.
A few minutes later there is a knock at the farmer's door. It was the hindu. He said, "I am very sorry, but there is a cow in the barn and it is strictly forbidden for me to sleep in the barn with a cow. Besides, it smells like crap out there." "Oh, fine, you can sleep in the damn house!" said the farmer.
A few minutes later there is another knock at the door. This time it's the jew. He said, "Sir, I am jewish, and you expect me to sleep in the same barn as a pig? A dirty, disgusting, filthy swine? Besides, it smells like crap out there." "Fine, fine, you can sleep in the damn house, just stop bitching!"
A few minutes later there is another knock at the door. "I swear to god if it's that damn nigger I am going to whip his ass, because I'll be damned if I let him sleep in my house!" The farmer opened the door and it was the pig and the cow.
| |
| | | DBlood-God Human
Number of posts : 38 Age : 31 Location : ישראל.ירושלים israel/jerusal Registration date : 2008-06-21
| Subject: Re: Jokes ;) Sun Jun 22, 2008 8:35 am | |
| warning Its a 30% sexual 30% racy and 40% super funy Never screw with a Jew - Spoiler:
It was just after a devastating nuclear war, and God came down to the Last Jew, Aberham
Appearing before the startled man, God said unto him "because you have been faithful, you have survived and I will grant you 3 wishes, however, as the arabs were persecuted, you should know, whatever you wish for, I shall increase 2 fold, for the last Arab.
The Aberham did not like this, but such as it was, he considered and said "Well Lord, for my first wish I wish for 1000 Square miles of fertile uncontaminated land.
And The lord smiled and says "that is wise, you will need a place to live that is free from contamination and to grow your food, but as you have wished I must give the arab, 2000 Square miles.
Aberham was troubled by this..but on to his second wish "Lord, I wish for 50, beautiful fertile women.
And God said "again a wise choice, for you must repopulate the earth, But as the arabs were persecuted I must give him 100 Women.
and Aberham REALLY didn't like this.
So he thought hard and then said to God "Lord, to remind me of this day of sadnes...I wish you to remove ONE of my balls....
The moral of this story is, never try to screw with a Jew
| |
| | | lawliet-ryuuzaki Finder
Number of posts : 80 Age : 33 Location : B€lgIuM Registration date : 2008-05-30
| Subject: Re: Jokes ;) Sun Jun 22, 2008 12:47 pm | |
| One Million A man was praying to God. He said, "God!?" God responded, "Yes?" The man said, "Can I ask a question?" "Go right ahead," God said. "God, what is a million years to you?" God said, "A million years to me is only a second." "Hmmmm..." the man pondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?" God said: "A million dollars to me is as a penny." So the man said, "God, can I have a penny?" And God cheerfully said, "Sure!! ... just a second | |
| | | DBlood-God Human
Number of posts : 38 Age : 31 Location : ישראל.ירושלים israel/jerusal Registration date : 2008-06-21
| Subject: Re: Jokes ;) Sun Jun 22, 2008 9:14 pm | |
| Ok my jokes are a bit DIRTY so if you are affended dont read,but it is funy as hell. It's so funy you went know what hit ya,my best joke yet. The joke is PG 15 Rules of being a guy - Spoiler:
1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse b) After wrecking your boss' Ferrari c) When your date is using her teeth
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes
7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10 You may flatulete in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.
12. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.
14. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
15. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
16. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
17. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius? 18. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
19. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone, hang up if necessary.
20. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.
| |
| | | lawliet-ryuuzaki Finder
Number of posts : 80 Age : 33 Location : B€lgIuM Registration date : 2008-05-30
| Subject: Re: Jokes ;) Mon Jun 23, 2008 4:28 pm | |
| A little dirty 1 : 3 MEALS A DAY - Spoiler:
Doctor to his lady patient: "You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?" Lady replied: "Doctor, I thought you said three males a day."
| |
| | | WolfReborn Exorcist Order
Number of posts : 431 Age : 37 Registration date : 2008-04-03
| Subject: Re: Jokes ;) Mon Jun 23, 2008 4:58 pm | |
| LOL you guys are enjoying this section waaaay too much. LOL | |
| | | Zurenriri Exorcist Order
Number of posts : 270 Age : 32 Location : Lebanon, Oregon, US Registration date : 2008-05-05
| Subject: Re: Jokes ;) Mon Jun 23, 2008 8:02 pm | |
| Here's another, more or less good: - Spoiler:
A Mexican, An Irishman, and an American are all riding in the same compartment on a train. The ride is about six hours longer, and they get hungry. The Irishman pulls some potatoes out of his suitcase, gives some to everyone, and throws the rest out the window. One of the men asks, "What did you do that for?" and he replies, "We have plenty of those where I come from."
Later on, they start to get hungry again. The Mexican pulls a couple of enchiladas out of his suitcase and gives them to the others, then throws the rest out the window, telling them that there are plenty more in his country.
Getting a smart look on his face, the American grabs the Mexican and thrusts him out of the window, and instantly says bluntly, "We have plenty of those where I come from!"
This one's better, and less racist: - Spoiler:
The wealthy, high-society mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating a woman!"
| |
| | | lawliet-ryuuzaki Finder
Number of posts : 80 Age : 33 Location : B€lgIuM Registration date : 2008-05-30
| Subject: Re: Jokes ;) Tue Jun 24, 2008 2:24 am | |
| Here's a real funny 1 : - Spoiler:
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
| |
| | | Higure Admin
Number of posts : 1733 Age : 35 Registration date : 2008-03-02
| Subject: Re: Jokes ;) Mon Jul 14, 2008 1:08 pm | |
| eh... that was gross XD
here's a couple random Naruto ones I saw on crunchyroll's forum.
Q: Whats the similarity between Orochimaru and a Wii?
A: Little boys both turn them on.
--
After a long an arduous search beyond that which is hinted at by the opening sequence of Naruto Shippuden Naruto finally finds Sasuke and he's standing over his dead brother.
Naruto:**astonished** What happened here?
Sasuke: ** smirk ** I bet him he couldn't hold his breath until the fillers were over. | |
| | | lawliet-ryuuzaki Finder
Number of posts : 80 Age : 33 Location : B€lgIuM Registration date : 2008-05-30
| Subject: Re: Jokes ;) Mon Jul 14, 2008 1:58 pm | |
| | |
| | | lawliet-ryuuzaki Finder
Number of posts : 80 Age : 33 Location : B€lgIuM Registration date : 2008-05-30
| Subject: Re: Jokes ;) Mon Jul 14, 2008 2:00 pm | |
| An old man goes to a wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last forty years.
The wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
Without hesitation the old man replies, "I now pronounce you man and wife." | |
| | | Higure Admin
Number of posts : 1733 Age : 35 Registration date : 2008-03-02
| Subject: Re: Jokes ;) Mon Jul 14, 2008 2:13 pm | |
| | |
| | | Sponsored content
| Subject: Re: Jokes ;) | |
| |
| | | | Jokes ;) | |
|
| Permissions in this forum: | You cannot reply to topics in this forum
| |
| |
| |